cricket_grrl

Information on grief...

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 04:18:24 GMT

Below is some important information about grief, and how to be supportive of someone who is grieving. It was taken from www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm, where the full text and references can be found.

Losing someone or something you love is very painful — and it’s something that almost everyone will experience at some point in their lives. Loss that goes unacknowledged or unattended can result in disability. But grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve — but there are ways to make your grieving more complete and more positive.

What is grief?

The definition of grief includes: emotions and sensations that accompany the loss of someone or something dear to you. The English word comes from the Old French grève, meaning a heavy burden. This makes sense when you consider that grief often weighs you down with sorrow and other emotions that can have both psychological and physical consequences.

When someone close to you dies, you don’t just lose that person on the physical level, you also face the loss of what might have been. Your pain can involve missing that person’s presence: sleeping in a bed that’s half empty, craving a scent or an embrace. But knowing that your loved one will miss all of the milestones in your life often lasts longer than the pain of the physical absence. This may include the children that were never born, the trips not taken, colleges not attended, weddings not danced at — every life marker can be a reminder and an occasion for renewed grief.

How you respond to a particular loss

How the person died	Your response to an unanticipated death — a sudden heart attack, an accident, an act of violence — may be very different from the grief you feel when someone you love dies after a long illness. In the latter case, you may experience anticipatory grief, which occurs before the person’s death. You’re just as devastated when the death happens, but because you started grieving earlier, you may be able to recover sooner.
Your relationship with the person	The closeness of the relationship — spouse, parent, sibling, child — plays a role, of course. In the case of a blood relative, another factor is whether the person was a daily or regular presence in your life. Then there’s the psychological nature of the relationship: was it smooth or rocky? If you had unfinished emotional business with the person you lost, if your last interaction was angry or otherwise fraught, that can intensify your experience of grief.
Your personality and coping style	If you’re a normally resilient person, you may feel just as much pain over a loss as someone whose normal state is depressive or emotionally vulnerable, but you may find it easier to recover your equilibrium and to enjoy life again. People who have trouble coping with the setbacks of daily life will have a more difficult time recovering from a serious personal loss.
Your life experience	What you’ve learned about loss from other people and from your own experience can inform how you handle the loss of someone you love.
Support from others	As you’ll see below, it’s essential that you have people in your life who will help sustain you emotionally as you grieve. It’s also important that your friends and family take your loss as seriously as you do. If you lose a cousin or friend who was more like a sibling, your grief shouldn’t be dismissed as less important than that of an immediate relative. Many people downplay miscarriage, even if, to the parents, it represents the death of a baby. Nor does it matter how old the person was who died, or how sick. You lost someone you love, it hurts, and you need the support of people who care about you.

Are there stages of grief?

In 1969, based on her years of working with terminal cancer patients, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” While these stages represented the feelings of people who were themselves facing death, many people now apply them to experiencing other negative life changes (a break-up, loss of a job) and to people facing death or experiencing the death of loved ones.

Kübler-Ross proposed these stages of grief:

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened.”

However, Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

There is no timetable for grieving. While the sense of loss and the intermittent sadness may never go away completely, people experience the cycle of grief differently. Some find that within a few weeks or months the period between waves of distress lengthens, and they are able to feel peace, renewed hope, and enjoy life more and more of the time. Others may face years of being hit with what feels like relentless waves of grief.

Mourning:

Mourning often involves a culturally appropriate process to help people pass through their grief. While many cultures mourn differently, the mourning processes usually have common ideals: acknowledging and accepting the death, saying farewell, grieving for a specific time period, and some means for continuing to honor the deceased. And finally, mourners are encouraged to move beyond their loss and form new attachments. Different cultures often define what is appropriate behavior for various family members, as well as the role of children during the mourning process.

Coping with grief and loss

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it is important to talk about them when you’re grieving. Knowing that others know and understand your grieving will make you feel better, less alone with your pain, and will help you heal.

Support can come from a number of different sources:

Finding support after a loss
Friends	Let people who care about you take care of you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Especially when you live away from family, true friends can offer shoulders for you to cry on until you begin to recover.
Family	The death of a relative can create a path for reunion, and even reconciliation, among surviving relatives. (It can also tear families apart, especially in the case of a sudden or violent death, so it’s important to be sensitive to one another’s approaches to grief and to refrain from accusation.) Sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry. Reminiscing about the person all of you lost may help everyone recover. If you’ve lost a friend or spouse, family members can form a caring community.
Your faith community	If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Allow people within your religious community to give you emotional support. If you’re estranged from your faith community or have none, this may be a good time to reconnect or to explore alternatives.
Support groups	There are many support groups for people who are grieving, including specialized groups (such as, people who have lost children, survivors of suicides).
Therapists and other professionals	Talking with a psychotherapist or grief counselor may be a good idea if the intensity of your grief doesn’t diminish over time — that is, months go by and you still have physical symptoms, such as trouble with eating or sleeping; or your emotional state impairs your ability to go about your daily routine.

Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. One of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing your emotions to surface in order to work through them. In the long run, trying to suppress your feelings in the hope that they’ll fade with time won’t work. Blocking the grieving process will delay or disable your ability to eventually recovery.

If people don’t know what they can do to help, tell them — whether it’s going with you to a movie, cooking a meal for you, or just holding you as you cry. If someone is uncomfortable with your displays of emotion or your need to talk about the person you lost, gently let him or her know that talking out your grief is part of your healing process.

Helping yourself cope with grief and loss

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loved one in a journal, or write the person a letter saying the things you never got to say. Create a scrapbook or artwork about the person; create an appropriate memorial in his or her honor (for example, if the person loved flowers, plant or fund a garden); get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
Take care of yourself physically. Get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and engage in regular exercise. Do not use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. (That may even apply to antidepressants meant to ease the sadness of grief; because grief, unlike depression, is not a disorder, masking the pain with meds may be less productive than working through the sadness.) Healthy habits will help you with grieving, but substance use will impede recovery and can lead to long-term dependence
Don’t let other people tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” At the same time, it’s okay to be angry at the person who died, to cry every day if you need to, to yell at the heavens without being embarrassed. Conversely, it’s okay to laugh, too. If watching the entire oeuvre of the Marx Brothers helps you heal, no one has the right to tell you it’s inappropriate.
Plan ahead. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones in life can be particularly challenging. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

Helping / Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

Helping your Child, Friend or Parent Cope with The Death of a Loved One

Bereavement can be a lonely and frightening experience for many people. Once the funeral is over and the cards and flowers stop pouring in, they still need caring and support.

It is not uncommon for people to have difficulty openly expressing their feelings around grief and sadness. This may be particularly true when the public outlets for their pain and sorrow have ended. Where do people then turn for support? Family members may be too preoccupied with their own grief to reach out. This is a time when friends, co-workers and neighbors can be instrumental in the healing process. The bereaved should be able to rely on members of their social network for caring and assistance, both practical and emotional.

Grieving is a normal healing process

Regardless of the type of loss, there is a natural process of grieving. Understanding the nature of grief and bereavement gives you the insight that will enable you to help someone else cope. The more you understand about the basics of the grieving process, the more you may be able to help them:

It is normal and necessary to experience intense emotional sensations in order to heal properly?
Feelings of guilt, embarrassment and anger are part of the restorative process.
Each person grieves differently.
There is no set timetable for bereavement.

The most important thing you can do is just be there for them. You might not know exactly what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. Don’t let your discomfort get in the way when you want to reach out to a person who is grieving. Now, more than ever, your support is needed. Be willing to push past the awkwardness and be honest and straightforward. Know that you don’t have to solve their problem; simply provide a listening ear.

When people feel guilty

Sometimes grieving people may feel guilt about what they should or shouldn’t have done. You can help by:

Letting them know how much you care.
Affirming that they have done their best, and assure them that you know they will continue to do so.
Encouraging them to keep talking about their feelings.

Even when you feel uncomfortable, provide an atmosphere in which your bereaved friend or family member knows that they have permission to talk about the person who died. Talk candidly about that person by name. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – that invite them to openly express their feelings.

Helping and supporting a grieving friend or loved one

When in doubt, err on the side of silent, emotionally-connected support. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact or a squeeze of their hand. Your support can be conveyed simply, with your silent presence. Know that you don’t have to have all the answers – or any of the answers, for that matter. You can reassure the bereaved person by letting them know that you will be there as a companion when needed during this sorrowful time, even though you can’t take away their pain. Have confidence that they will again find meaning and joy in life.

Do’s and don’ts for providing support and comfort to an adult
What to Do	What NOT to Do
Behave naturally Show genuine concern Offer love patiently and unconditionally Offer hugs or an arm around the shoulder, as appropriate Sit next to the person who wants closeness Make it clear that you are there to listen Express your care and concern Say that you are sorry about the loss Say “I love you” if you feel close enough Talk openly and directly about the person who died Cry if you feel like crying Keep in mind that evenings, weekends, anniversaries and holidays can be extra challenging times.	Don’t try to avoid the bereaved person Don’t pry into personal matters Don’t ask questions about the circumstances of the death; but do be open to hearing whatever the bereaved wants to say about it. Don’t offer advice or quick solutions: “I know how you feel.” “You should _____ .” “Time heals all wounds.” Don’t try to cheer up the person or distract them from the emotional intensity: “At least he’s no longer in pain.” “She’s in a better place now.” “It was God’s timing/will.” Don’t minimize the loss: “Oh, it’s not that bad.” “You’ll be okay.” “Things will go back to normal before you know it.” Don’t lead the bereaved to the false assumption that self-medicating with alcohol or drugs will provide a solution. This is only a temporary fix for their emotional pain and actually makes it worse in the long term.

Additional ways to provide comfort and support

Because grief can be a confusing and overwhelming experience, it is difficult for many people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention or not want to be a burden on others. If that appears to be the situation, you can make it easier for them by making specific suggestions – such as, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?” Or you can convey an open invitation by saying, “Let me know what I can do,” which may make a grieving person feel more comfortable about getting back to you.

Be the one who takes the initiative to:

Pick up the phone to just check in
Offer to run errands or get groceries
Drop off a casserole or other type of food
Watch their children to provide them with some down time
Tag along at a bereavement support group meeting
Go for a brisk walk or shoot hoops together
Share an enjoyable activity (game, puzzle, art project)
Encourage going out and socializing once the person feels ready

When a loved one dies, the surviving friends and family members live with constant reminders of their loss. So take the opportunity to invite them to your home or out to eat. A card or short note is also a thoughtful way to show your concern. Consistency is very helpful, if you can manage it – being there for as long as it takes. This helps the grieving person look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again. Be aware that certain memorable dates may be more difficult for them emotionally. They may miss that person even more on special occasions. From seemingly nowhere, profound tears may well up. All of this is completely normal.

Warning signs for depression

As a trusted friend or family member, you have the opportunity to monitor the bereaved person. This can be tricky, because you don’t want to be perceived as invasive or giving unwanted advice. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping – perhaps you should look into getting help.”

The following warning signs need to be taken seriously. Encourage or seek professional help if you observe or suspect the following after the initial grieving period:

Poor personal hygiene
Drastic weight gain or loss
Alcohol or drug abuse
Pain or constriction in the chest

Disturbed sleep patterns
No interest in previously enjoyable activities
Persistent suicidal thoughts

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 20:03:37 GMT

Boy, I sure wish I could access some of that "workaholic" to pack my stuff!

- September 13 -
You are very clever and knowledgeable. You are very calm and cool in social situations. You are kind and sympathetic to people, although you like to choose your friends carefully.
Positive Traits: sincerity, honesty, determination, stamina, detailed
Negative Traits: workaholic, repression, resentful, intolerance, compulsive
'What does your Birthdate mean?' at QuizGalaxy.com

measuring progress

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:19:34 GMT

Found this in a friend's LJ, and I thought it would be interesting to have a "baseline" before the upcoming major changes.

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	6.3
Body:	4.3
Spirit:	8.3
Friends/Family:	3.2
Love:	6.9
Finance:	4.7
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

For the dog lovers...

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 03:27:45 GMT

MAN’S BEST FRIEND: A Story About Heaven and Hell

(author unknown -- found commonly throughout the internet)

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and he knew that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It was built with fine marble. At the top of a steep hill, the wall was interrupted by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. Standing before it, the man saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then, shaking his head, turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another steep hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree, reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." the man said with a smile.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler drank all he needed, and filled the water bowl for the dog. When the two were satisfied, the traveler and his dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" he asked

"This is Heaven," the man answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, it actually comes in handy. They screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

on the downside of the high...

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 02:23:33 GMT

My nieces are 4 and 7 years old. They have reached the point that siblings reach where they are best friends one minute, and devoted enemies the next. My mother and I keep telling my sister that they will grow out of it, and then we both say a silent prayer to our respective Deities that we’re telling the truth.

For example, this recent exchange between the nieces, spending the night at Gramma’s house.

About 15 minutes after bedtime, the pitter patter of little feet announces the presence of G (the 7 year old) in the living room, where Gramma and Papa are watching television…

G: “Gramma (very serious face)” “K (the four year old) didn’t brush her teeth. I know she didn’t because when I went to the bathroom just now, I felt her toothbrush, and it wasn’t wet. And you know Gramma, how so important it is to brush your teeth, and I’m just worried that all of K’s teeth are just going to fall out of her head!”

Gramma: “G, it is past bedtime, what are you doing up? Go back upstairs to bed”

G dutifully turns and heads up the stairs, Gramma close behind her. G hangs at the door to her room, wide eyes anticipating the tongue lashing she’s SURE that her sister is going to get.

Gramma: “K, did you brush your teeth tonight?”

K: “um, um…oops, no I forgot”

Gramma: “K, this is getting frustrating. You have got to brush your teeth every night before you go to bed. Now get in there and do it, and when you’re finished turn your light off and go to bed.”

The turn the light off part is important to K, who relishes her after bedtime reading time at Gramma’s.

So K goes into the bathroom, pausing for just a second to give G a nasty look on the way. Gramma supervises as K dutifully brushes her teeth and heads back to bed. To G’s astonishment, after giving K a kiss on the cheek and tucking her back in, Gramma tells K how great it was that K didn’t lie or argue, that she just took “asponsability”, did what she was told and went back to bed. Gramma tells K how proud she is of her and wishes her goodnight.

G is clearly crushed. She’d expected a good show, no doubt hoping to have gotten revenge on K for some slight earlier in the day. Instead, she got a morality play, complete with a kiss on the forehead. What a let down. She says g’night to Gramma and goes back to bed dejectedly.

OK, so far we’ve got an episode of the Brady Bunch, and if you’re still reading you’re hoping I get to the point before you nod off, right?

Don’t worry, it gets good…

Gramma turns around to head down the stairs and the computer monitor catches her eye. The screen saver is showing, which is strange because the monitor is set to turn off if no one has used the computer for a while. Gramma investigates, and discovers at least ½ roll of soaking wet TP wadded up in the garbage can. Further investigation reveals that the TP was used to mop up the water that had been spilled on the keyboard, and the mouse, and the mousepad and so on…

G had gotten up after being tucked in, and had decided to play with the computer. She’d spilled her water, gone into the bathroom to get TP to clean it up, and then decided to check out her sister’s toothbrush.

G is grounded. She’s grounded for a long time. She’s grounded for getting up, for touching the computer when she’s not supposed to, for not telling someone that she’d spilled water on the computer, for lying when she was asked if she knew anything about the water and the TP, AND for tattling on her sister. Worst of all, Gramma is VERY disappointed in her, and not likely to get over it until after a long conversation about being “asponsible”

So, you would imagine that the prayers that my mom and I offered when assuring my sister that her darlings would grow out of this kind of behavior were because we want her to have a peaceful and calm household. That is certainly part of it. In the bigger picture, though, those prayers are inspired by both of our having experienced adults behaving in EXACTLY the way G behaved that night. Our prayer is that these two little ones will never, as adults, sacrifice their own dignity and honor just to feel powerful or righteous for a moment.

I am a crisis counselor. I have also worked with mentally ill adolescent girls, and with animals in dire situations. I see and hear about people in horrible situations every day. This leaves me with little patience for adults, who, having every privilege society can bestow, spend endless energy picking and plotting to tear others apart in the adult equivalent of feeling the toothbrush to see if it’s wet. Worse then, is to see the humiliation and degradation that THEY experience, when THEIR OWN indiscretions are revealed, and they run around with rolls of toilet paper trying to keep the mess a secret. Sad. Truly sad. Sad because unlike the 7 year old, who has the opportunity to learn different, the adult is trapped in this pathetic place of feeling so powerless, so deeply insecure, that the only way for them to get even momentary relief is to go after those whose power they covet. Sad, because like the 4 year old, those who are chased after are those who retain their dignity and pride, taking “asponsibility” and moving on. All for a fleeting power fix. And then, saddest of all, these “adults”, when their indiscretions are revealed (as they ALWAYS are), will subject the rest of us to whining and excuses that we would never tolerate from a 7 year old.

just feelin' good

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 00:09:23 GMT

Takn from http://goodvibeblog.com/

28 Jan 2008 | Posted by Good Vibe Coach at 5:49 pm

Marty was (apparently) wrongly imprisoned at age 17 for killing his parents. Twenty years later his pro-bono lawyer managed to have his conviction overturned and Marty was released.

In a recent interview Marty was asked what he liked best about being out of prison.

He immediately answered, “Making my own cup of coffee and watching the sun rise.”

Making coffee and watching the sun rise? For real?

That made me pause for thought. I mean, how many of us do Marty’s favorite thing every day without even thinking about it? Or how many of us do Marty’s favorite thing and resent it? (”Why can’t I sleep in for once?” “Why can’t someone else make the *&$#@ coffee for a change?”)

Marty’s response gave me a glimpse into how much we take for granted. And also gave me insight into the fact that many of life’s greatest pleasures are right under our nose.

In describing their dream life my clients usually talk about an abundance of wealth, stunning professional success, healthy families, loving spouses, vacation homes, dream cars, bikini bodies …

.. and yet, right under our nose, is probably our favorite thing that we aren’t acknowledging.

Because what we really want isn’t any of those things or people or experiences - it’s how we think those things or people or experiences will make us FEEL.

Even President Bush, when asked what the highlight of his presidency has been, said it was catching a 7.5 pound perch in his hand-stocked lake (from Lee Iacocca’s “Where Have All The Leaders Gone?“).

Are you kidding me??

Maybe our president was being funny (I don’t pretend to know), but even when I find myself listing my good news for the day, it includes little things like wearing my favorite pjs, sleeping in with the dogs, finishing a great book, laughing with my sweetie …

… simple stuff.

Feel good stuff.

Right under our noses.

Like making coffee and watching sunrises.

Which means there is no excuse for not feeling good right now. We’ve got material in our lives - TODAY - to take us to the same feelings we think all that “big stuff” will do for us.

I challenge you to put together your big 5 list of life loves. And enjoy them. Regularly. On purpose.

Mine includes:

scratching the dog’s head
sleeping in my bed
watching the birds at the feeder
sitting in the sun
watching the fire at night
Thank you, Marty, for giving us the chance to reconnect with what we love about life, which we may have otherwise taken for granted.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MY big 5 list of life loves...
Sleeping in my bed
Sleeping in my bed with my Daddy
petting my dog's ears
the smell of sandalwood
having a snowblower

Fun for logic fetishists...

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 17:15:28 GMT

http://www.think-logically.co.uk/lt.htm

I got 14 out of 15, and I could argue the one they say I got wrong! LOL

This was a fun reminder of the difference between logic and truth.

An Announcement

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 02:24:16 GMT

House of cricket is proud to announce that the young ones have completed their training, and are now ready to serve. All are basically trained in the arts of eating solid food, using the litter box, and chasing toys. Some specialize in sleeping on Master's tummy, chasing feathers, entertaining Mistress and the "hide under the couch and jump out at the feet" technique. More detailed bios can be seen at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/21972113@N03/sets/72157603637109321/detail/

Mistress Kai has delegated the answering of questions and providing of information to cricket, who would also be glad to provide transportation to any of the graduates who are being considered for a household in Indianapolis. cricket can be reached at

cricket_grrl_g@yahoo.com

Thank Y/you for Y/your consideration.

something i want to read several times

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 21:46:58 GMT

How Are You Handling Your Blind Spots?

Posted December 19, 2007

Enlightenment consists not merely in the seeing of luminous shapes and visions, but in making the darkness visible. The latter procedure is more difficult, and therefore, unpopular. - Carl Jung

When you learned to drive, you were probably taught about the evil “blind spot” — the nether region of invisible space that exists when you stare straight ahead and only use your mirrors to see the space around your car. I won’t bore you with trigonometry and the nuances of peripheral vision, but suffice it to say, given the angle of most car mirrors, each of us as we hurdle down the highway at 100 km/h (and then some) are completely unaware of the gaps of space on either side of us that you could hide a Buick in.

Scary thought, huh?

Now, much like we drive our cars, we are driving through life (ooh, that’s deep…). And it doesn’t matter if you’re driving a life that looks like an Aston Martin or an Aztek — you’ve got a blind spot. Probably several of them.

Let me take a stab at naming a few you might be familiar with: Interpersonal communication. Eating too many carbs. Gullibility. Ability to understand global economics. Sucker for a shoe sale. Accounting. Honest self-examination. Anger management. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink. For days.

But let’s not get perfectionistic, okay?

Believe me, I’m the last person who’s beyond having a few gaps in my character. And despite what your internal Judge persona might say, having gaps a good thing.

For example, one of my blind spots is a stubborn refusal to do calculus in my head. I just won’t do it, no matter how much you beg and plead. Fuhgeddaboudit.

I also don’t know how to juggle chain saws, set a table for a six-course meal, and I’ve never memorized parliamentary procedure, aka “Robert’s Rules of Order.” These are blind spots of mine, and I’m okay with them.

However, I do have blind spots that get in the way of living a flowing, eyes-open life. For example, I have some less-than-exemplary habits around money that raise their head from time to time (I always file an extension for my taxes, for example, and I don’t track our finances nearly as much as I probably should). And if I’m in a social situation and desserts are freely available, I have a bad habit of circling the pastry tray like a vulture coming off a hunger strike.

These kinds of blind spots, we all have. Trouble is, they’re often so loaded with emotional back-story that we avoid them for much longer than we need to.

What’s a person to do?

Here is a simple four-step plan for illuminating your blind spots and getting on the road to a life lived with more breathing room:

Acknowledge: Yes, you have a blind spot. Yes, you can admit it. And yes, God (and I) still love you. Welcome to being human (you can pick up your membership card and t-shirt at the door). Honestly, though, acknowledging your blind spot is probably the trickiest step, simply because it’s not always easy to see it (hence, the name). But life has a great way of giving you hints… and if you don’t pick up on the emotional hiccups that life sends your way, ask a friend. Not an acquaintance, but a true friend. They’ll be happy to point your blind spots out to you (perhaps, too happy sometimes…).
Accept (yourself): Breathe. Breathe some more. And know that you’re not the only one with this particular blind spot. There are probably millions of other people on the planet who are dealing with the same issue. Try breathing in a little self-love, or doing some Remembrance and asking for a Divine reality-check. It can work wonders.
Ask: While you’re inside your heart, doing Remembrance (and breathing), ask your heart to show you how to approach dealing with this blind spot. Maybe it’s with support, maybe it’s alone, maybe it’s take a class, etc. Let the answer surprise you, if it needs to. After all, you may have been avoiding this spot for years for a reason that felt huge to you, but may be a tiny deal if approached in a new way.
Act: Do what your heart says. Not only is following through on your heart’s guidance a fantastic way to build your sense of integrity, but it’s also the only way you’re going to get out of the rut you’ve been in. Action can breathe life into all kinds of stagnant thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and patterns.

And remember, you’re in charge of your own life, and you can decide which blind spots to tackle. If you need to, start small (stubbornness around trying new types of cheese) and work your way up to bigger things (clearing forty years of accumulated junk out of your garage). The pace you drive is up to you.

NOT intended as a spoiler...

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 20:18:25 GMT

Greetings, and Happy Thanksgiving...

As a Lesbian, and a Leather girl, I am blessed with an incredible group of people who I consider my "family of choice". If you are reading my blog, then I consider you a member of that family.

Today, in addition to expressing my gratitude for the blessings that I enjoy with my living family, I am also conscious of a very different meaning of this day for others with whom I share ancestry. My Great Grandfather was Cherokee. I am named "little flower" by Spirit, and am counted among those of the Wolf Clan. Today I beg your indulgence as I honor my brothers and sisters of the Wampanoag Nation by acknowledging a more accurate historical account of the circumstances under which the Thanksgiving tradition began.

THE PLYMOUTH THANKSGIVING STORY

By Chuck Larsen

When the Pilgrims crossed the Atlantic Ocean in 1620, they landed on the rocky shores of a territory that was inhabited by the Wampanoag (Wam pa NO ag) Indians. The Wampanoags were part of the Algonkian-speaking peoples, a large group that was part of the Woodland Culture area. These Indians lived in villages along the coast of what is now Massachusetts and Rhode Island. They lived in round- roofed houses called wigwams. These were made of poles covered with flat sheets of elm or birch bark. Wigwams differ in construction from tipis that were used by Indians of the Great Plains.

The Wampanoags moved several times during each year in order to get food. In the spring they would fish in the rivers for salmon and herring. In the planting season they moved to the forest to hunt deer and other animals. After the end of the hunting season people moved inland where there was greater protection from the weather. From December to April they lived on food that they stored during the earlier months.

The basic dress for men was the breech clout, a length of deerskin looped over a belt in back and in front. Women wore deerskin wrap-around skirts. Deerskin leggings and fur capes made from deer, beaver, otter, and bear skins gave protection during the colder seasons, and deerskin moccasins were worn on the feet. Both men and women usually braided their hair and a single feather was often worn in the back of the hair by men. They did not have the large feathered headdresses worn by people in the Plains Culture area.

There were two language groups of Indians in New England at this time. The Iroquois were neighbors to the Algonkian-speaking people. Leaders of the Algonquin and Iroquois people were called "sachems" (SAY chems). Each village had its own sachem and tribal council. Political power flowed upward from the people. Any individual, man or woman, could participate, but among the Algonquins more political power was held by men. Among the Iroquois, however, women held the deciding vote in the final selection of who would represent the group. Both men and women enforced the laws of the village and helped solve problems. The details of their democratic system were so impressive that about 150 years later Benjamin Franklin invited the Iroquois to Albany, New York, to explain their system to a delegation who then developed the "Albany Plan of Union." This document later served as a model for the Articles of Confederation and the Constitution of the United States.

These Indians of the Eastern Woodlands called the turtle, the deer and the fish their brothers. They respected the forest and everything in it as equals. Whenever a hunter made a kill, he was careful to leave behind some bones or meat as a spiritual offering, to help other animals survive. Not to do so would be considered greedy. The Wampanoags also treated each other with respect. Any visitor to a Wampanoag home was provided with a share of whatever food the family had, even if the supply was low. This same courtesy was extended to the Pilgrims when they met.

We can only guess what the Wampanoags must have thought when they first saw the strange ships of the Pilgrims arriving on their shores. But their custom was to help visitors, and they treated the newcomers with courtesy. It was mainly because of their kindness that the Pilgrims survived at all. The wheat the Pilgrims had brought with them to plant would not grow in the rocky soil. They needed to learn new ways for a new world, and the man who came to help them was called "Tisquantum" (Tis SKWAN tum) or "Squanto" (SKWAN toe).

Squanto was originally from the village of Patuxet (Pa TUK et) and a member of the Pokanokit Wampanoag nation. Patuxet once stood on the exact site where the Pilgrims built Plymouth. In 1605, fifteen years before the Pilgrims came, Squanto went to England with a friendly English explorer named John Weymouth. He had many adventures and learned to speak English. Squanto came back to New England with Captain Weymouth. Later Squanto was captured by a British slaver who raided the village and sold Squanto to the Spanish in the Caribbean Islands. A Spanish Franciscan priest befriended Squanto and helped him to get to Spain and later on a ship to England. Squanto then found Captain Weymouth, who paid his way back to his homeland. In England Squanto met Samoset of the Wabanake (Wab NAH key) Tribe, who had also left his native home with an English explorer. They both returned together to Patuxet in 1620. When they arrived, the village was deserted and there were skeletons everywhere. Everyone in the village had died from an illness the English slavers had left behind. Squanto and Samoset went to stay with a neighboring village of Wampanoags.

One year later, in the spring, Squanto and Samoset were hunting along the beach near Patuxet. They were startled to see people from England in their deserted village. For several days, they stayed nearby observing the newcomers. Finally they decided to approach them. Samoset walked into the village and said "welcome," Squanto soon joined him. The Pilgrims were very surprised to meet two Indians who spoke English.

The Pilgrims were not in good condition. They were living in dirt-covered shelters, there was a shortage of food, and nearly half of them had died during the winter. They obviously needed help and the two men were a welcome sight. Squanto, who probably knew more English than any other Indian in North America at that time, decided to stay with the Pilgrims for the next few months and teach them how to survive in this new place. He brought them deer meat and beaver skins. He taught them how to cultivate corn and other new vegetables and how to build Indian-style houses. He pointed out poisonous plants and showed how other plants could be used as medicine. He explained how to dig and cook clams, how to get sap from the maple trees, use fish for fertilizer, and dozens of other skills needed for their survival.

By the time fall arrived things were going much better for the Pilgrims, thanks to the help they had received. The corn they planted had grown well. There was enough food to last the winter. They were living comfortably in their Indian-style wigwams and had also managed to build one European-style building out of squared logs. This was their church. They were now in better health, and they knew more about surviving in this new land. The Pilgrims decided to have a thanksgiving feast to celebrate their good fortune. They had observed thanksgiving feasts in November as religious obligations in England for many years before coming to the New World.

The Algonkian tribes held six thanksgiving festivals during the year. The beginning of the Algonkian year was marked by the Maple Dance which gave thanks to the Creator for the maple tree and its syrup. This ceremony occurred when the weather was warm enough for the sap to run in the maple trees, sometimes as early as February. Second was the planting feast, where the seeds were blessed. The strawberry festival was next, celebrating the first fruits of the season. Summer brought the green corn festival to give thanks for the ripening corn. In late fall, the harvest festival gave thanks for the food they had grown. Mid-winter was the last ceremony of the old year. When the Indians sat down to the "first Thanksgiving" with the Pilgrims, it was really the fifth thanksgiving of the year for them!

Captain Miles Standish, the leader of the Pilgrims, invited Squanto, Samoset, Massasoit (the leader of the Wampanoags), and their immediate families to join them for a celebration, but they had no idea how big Indian families could be. As the Thanksgiving feast began, the Pilgrims were overwhelmed at the large turnout of ninety relatives that Squanto and Samoset brought with them. The Pilgrims were not prepared to feed a gathering of people that large for three days. Seeing this, Massasoit gave orders to his men within the first hour of his arrival to go home and get more food. Thus it happened that the Indians supplied the majority of the food: Five deer, many wild turkeys, fish, beans, squash, corn soup, corn bread, and berries. Captain Standish sat at one end of a long table and the Clan Chief Massasoit sat at the other end. For the first time the Wampanoag people were sitting at a table to eat instead of on mats or furs spread on the ground. The Indian women sat together with the Indian men to eat. The Pilgrim women, however, stood quietly behind the table and waited until after their men had eaten, since that was their custom.

For three days the Wampanoags feasted with the Pilgrims. It was a special time of friendship between two very different groups of people. A peace and friendship agreement was made between Massasoit and Miles Standish giving the Pilgrims the clearing in the forest where the old Patuxet village once stood to build their new town of Plymouth.

It would be very good to say that this friendship lasted a long time; but, unfortunately, that was not to be. More English people came to America, and they were not in need of help from the Indians as were the original Pilgrims. Many of the newcomers forgot the help the Indians had given them. Mistrust started to grow and the friendship weakened. The Pilgrims started telling their Indian neighbors that their Indian religion and Indian customs were wrong. The Pilgrims displayed an intolerance toward the Indian religion similar to the intolerance displayed toward the less popular religions in Europe. The relationship deteriorated and within a few years the children of the people who ate together at the first Thanksgiving were killing one another in what came to be called King Phillip's War.

It is sad to think that this happened, but it is important to understand all of the story and not just the happy part. Today the town of Plymouth Rock has a Thanksgiving ceremony each year in remembrance of the first Thanksgiving. There are still Wampanoag people living in Massachusetts. In 1970, they asked one of them to speak at the ceremony to mark the 350th anniversary of the Pilgrim's arrival. Here is part of what was said:

"Today is a time of celebrating for you -- a time of looking back to the first days of white people in America. But it is not a time of celebrating for me. It is with a heavy heart that I look back upon what happened to my People. When the Pilgrims arrived, we, the Wampanoags, welcomed them with open arms, little knowing that it was the beginning of the end. That before 50 years were to pass, the Wampanoag would no longer be a tribe. That we and other Indians living near the settlers would be killed by their guns or dead from diseases that we caught from them. Let us always remember, the Indian is and was just as human as the white people.

Although our way of life is almost gone, we, the Wampanoags, still walk the lands of Massachusetts. What has happened cannot be changed. But today we work toward a better America, a more Indian America where people and nature once again are important."

This information comes from the website at this link:

http://www.manataka.org/page269.html#THE%20PLYMOUTH%20THANKSGIVING%20STORY

In the language of my Odawa teachers, Miigwetch for your kind attention. May you and yours be blessed with all that you need today and always.

House of cricket is proud to announce the addition of new members...

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 16:03:09 GMT

Approximately 65 days ago, these young hopefuls petitioned Kai, the female who runs house of cricket, for membership. Today their petition was accepted, and they were welcomed into the family. They have not yet chosen scene names, and all will be under temporary protection of the house until they find Masters and Mistresses to whom to dedicate themselves. In the mean time, Kai will undertake their training, while cricket will be allowed to provide her food and shelter, and to entertain the trainees occasionally.

Consideration

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 03:40:42 GMT

On Saturday night, just before we left for the IMAs play party, Sir G honored me with his collar of consideration. While it wasn't a surprise, it was still overwhelming, wonderful, sweet...everything i could have hoped for.

i had petitioned him several weeks before, in an unorthodox style that is fast becoming my trademark. i'd thought it through carefully, and had planned to write a proper petition, but ultimately decided that i couldn't write what i was feeling half as effectively as i could say it. 3 am after a play party seemed like just the right time, LOL. Fortunately, Sir has come to understand my style, and because he has an apparently limitless well of patience, actually heard and accepted my petition.

A collar of consideration is distinguished from others by the blue color. Some might say it is a bit specious in light of our having been together for several months already. We would agree that we have come far past the "getting to know you" stage that consideration implies, but Sir believes that there is great value in following the steps that those who came before us in Leather found so important. So, Sir G and i have defined some things that we want to explore together, and have put those into a "Consideration Agreement". At the end of the consideration period, having done the exploring, we will have a solid understanding of how "our" D/s works, and what rules, protocols and rituals Sir G wants to have in place as we move into the next phase, training. The things that we document through lists, journals and any other means that Sir chooses, will help him to create a training contract from a place of understanding and clarity. OR, it will help us conclude that he and i are not suited for D/s. In either case, this will be a period of adventure, discovery and growth.

Sir and i will be crafting our relationship using Leather tradition, protocol and ritual, both as they were first established by the "Old Guard", and as they are interpreted and applied today. i'll post some of what we explore here. Please feel free to ask questions, correct me, or discuss your own interpretations here.

HUGE hugs and thank yous to everyone who has emailed, IM'd, 360'd or livejournaled their congratulations and good wishes! i look forward to your continued love and support during this new adventure. You are all so important to me!

A Samhain blessing from a new friend...

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 01:51:32 GMT

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career
however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Birthday Thoughts...

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 18:27:04 GMT

This is a thinky, introspective birthday for me. Creator has big things in mind i think, and i think She's putting the people in place who will guide and support me. Sometimes I wish she'd pick a more gentle approach though! LOL

On my 40th birthday I will...

Have 20 friends at a party
Not be drinking Pepsi all day

Other birthday thoughts...

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 08:37:47 GMT

Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced... an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries that challenge you.

~Meladee McCarty ~

Sounds like a good way to start a new year of life, huh?

Last year, butterflies promised a transformation. They have a knack for understatement! The person I was then would scarcely recognize me now, and she definitely wouldn't believe the events of the past year! Granted, the outside hasn't changed much. On the inside though...

There are not words for it really. I emerged from depression and isolation into a world that, while always intriguing from the fringes of my "mainstream" life, seemed just outside my grasp. Just as She had in my dreams though, Creator sent a Wolf to lead me (or was that drag me kicking and screaming??) Since then, there have been a lioness, a turtle, a hawk... all with so many incredible teachings, so much valuable guidance and love. There is a swan now, and a cute little lost monkey, a bear, a tiger... all amazing friends who I hope feel that they have a place in my heart. Many others too, each making their contribution, adding their voices to the chorus that drowns the silence of isolation.

And, the Panther...with the most powerful lessons of all.

A new year, new life?

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 07:26:05 GMT

So, another year past. Last year's birthday, # 38, not so wonderful. A fight ended a friendship, and I think a huge chapter of my life as well. That summer the butterflies promised a transformation. It has been a very slow, and relatively painful one to be sure, but at the same time my life is more full and rich than I think it has ever been.

And so a new year begins. What to do with it? I joked today that it is the first day of the last year of my childhood. Somehow, 40 requires adultness. We'll see. In any case, it will be a year full of challenges, changes. Can I do it? Can I "let it play", or is there a panicked run for the porch in my future? So much of me just wants to hide under the bed and watch others move through the world!